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Feb 17, 2012 23:24:53 GMT -5
Post by Procellum on Feb 17, 2012 23:24:53 GMT -5
It seems that it is the common goal of nearly everybody in my life to break me down. My mother is paranoid, sociophobic, depressed, and she projects all of that onto me. My dad agrees with everything she says. My stepdad is a stubborn mule who essentially threatens to scream my head off at the slightest hint of free-thought, and he has physical strength to back it up. The school I go to seems to be completely against individuality. There are events frequently where students are rewarded for dressing in unison. There is a mandatory class halfway through the day that teaches the "need" for solidarity, conformity, school spirit, and cliques, and the "evils" of individuality and privacy. Last week, we had lectures each day on how privacy means that we are in danger of terrorists. Most people believed them. A few said that we should do away with privacy completely. They weren't being sarcastic. Teachers refuse to go against the book, and the school board seems to have absolute power. Graduation early is unavailable because the athletes and FFA don't want it. The graduation requirements here are the same as the entry requirements at the local college, and they include dual-credit there. I actually had a teacher tell me that the book I'm reading is too complicated to exist, and that I should read something more "normal", like Twilight. A few other people seem to not be consumed by this totalitarianism, and they are the closest things I have to friends, though I rarely see any of them outside of school. Unlike most people, I joined the extracurricular activities that I am involved with because I enjoy them, instead of, and I quote, "For the glory of the school." I've developed minor trust issues due to my mother constantly telling me that I can't trust anyone but her. Incidentally, I don't really trust her either, though there are people I trust. Most people are scared of me. At first I thought that it was because I'm ugly. But now I'm starting to suspect that it's because I'm different. I don't listen to the "normal" music. I don't watch the "normal" television shows. I don't read the "normal" books. I don't play the "normal" video games. I don't have the "normal" voice. Both students and teachers have insulted me about these things. I suppose I shouldn't be mad at them. It's probably been drilled into them that outsiders are bad. This town reeks of being a closed system. Anyways, I have terrible self-esteem. My mom thought I was depressed when I was 8 (and not living in this crapsack town), and sent me to a therapist. He made me start doubting myself. Then my mom sent me to another. He made it worse. Repeat this process for about 8 years. Yeah. Also, my mom only complements me if I'm having a nervous breakdown. Thus it doesn't seem sincere. Nothing kind from her seems sincere. I know how she acts in public. I know that she has a gift for insincere kindness. At least when I'm kind, it's not part of the mask I put on. The mask I put on is peace, tranquility. I don't want the people I care about to worry about me. I don't want anyone to be hurt. And whenever I let my true emotions show, people get hurt. Heck, even my closest friend would probably abandon me if I were to take off this emotional mask. He hates angst. He says that any angst is a sign of being a whiny emo. I don't have much of a social life. I don't have much of a life at all. And anything I might possibly end up being good at, I stop, because some part of me deep down tells me that I won't be that good at it. I guess you can say I'm a jack of all trades, a master of none. But that's not true. I'm not a jack of all trades. Something tells me that if my stepdad found out about this, he'd yell at me for the following reasons. One, he thinks role playing of any kind is the work of the devil. Two, he thinks all people on the internet are paedophilic creepers. Three, he'd think that this is a bunch of disrespectful lies. And he hates what he thinks is disrespectful. In fact, I think the only thing he loves, truly, is money. If there's one thing I've learned in my life, it's that everybody has a mask. Whether it be kindness, peace, self-righteousness, chivalry, superiority, whatever. We all have our masks. And unlike some people, I take mine off when I'm online.
I need a hug.
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Feb 17, 2012 23:55:21 GMT -5
Post by freeziepop on Feb 17, 2012 23:55:21 GMT -5
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Feb 17, 2012 23:57:03 GMT -5
Post by Steve on Feb 17, 2012 23:57:03 GMT -5
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Feb 17, 2012 23:57:31 GMT -5
Post by Procellum on Feb 17, 2012 23:57:31 GMT -5
I see kittens. What is that supposed to do?
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Feb 18, 2012 1:08:59 GMT -5
Post by Procellum on Feb 18, 2012 1:08:59 GMT -5
I feel empty. Not in a physical sense. In a sense that I'm not entirely sure of. I just have this void inside of me. It never goes away. It never heals. It's just constantly there, driving my emotions down. Sometimes, if I think about it, I get physical pain in my head or chest. Right now I feel like there's a vicegrip on my skull. Sometimes people I ask online say that I need love to fill the void. Well, that's great and all, but I have no idea what love is. Now, before you start posting various songs, I think that most people don't know what love is either. Usually when people refer to love, it seems like they mean lust. Now, I may be wrong, but I think there's a difference. And I can't tell what it is. In fact, if I think about it, I don't really understand anything about emotions. People in authority have made me afraid to show my emotions. Based on things my mom and stepdad have said, I don't even express sexual desire. Most people who know me think I'm asexual. Though sexual desire isn't the only area I hide. Most of my opinions, I keep hidden, so as not to offend anyone. I don't think anybody I know irl really knows me. When I try opening up, people just push me away, so that closes me more. It's like I'm becoming an empty shell.
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cjsilver
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Feb 18, 2012 1:44:56 GMT -5
Post by cjsilver on Feb 18, 2012 1:44:56 GMT -5
First of all, I don't know what kind of school you are going to, but if there are any other schools in your town/district, perhaps you should see what you can do about transferring.
That was probably not a useful suggestion.
I do want to call attention to the end of your first post though, where you say you use the Internet as a place to show your real self. THIS IS GOOD. As a person who (though I do try to keep it out of the open when not among people I am close with has long suffered from debilitating mental illness--which I will not go into detail about here because it's not exactly something I want posted for public viewing online; if you really must know the details you can PM me--I have found the Internet to be the best place to go. I have a circle of online friends who are as close to me as family, and it is them that I go to when I'm feeling down or just need to talk about stuff. They know more about me than my parents and far more about me than any of the four psychological/psychiatric professionals I have ever been a patient of.
I know you said you've been to therapy and it didn't really help. And I also know that feeling. However, the one thing that I may suggest is group therapy. It sounds like a really terrible idea at first, I know. You hardly want to talk about your problems with one person, let alone a bunch of people at once. But it really helped me at a time when not much else did. You'll find that others have more in common with you than you think.
And as for your most recent post, something sticks out to me. "Based on things my mom and stepdad have said, I don't even express sexual desire." The key part here being based on what others have said. This issue has been particularly relevant to me as of late: why does your life have to be defined by what other people say? You are your own individual person, you should have some say in how your life goes.
And that is my two cents. Do with it as you will, I know I'm not always the best at giving advice. Just try to stay positive. Believe it or not, people do care.
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Feb 18, 2012 1:46:55 GMT -5
Post by Procellum on Feb 18, 2012 1:46:55 GMT -5
If I don't live up to either my mom or my stepdad's expectations, I'll get yelled at for hours.
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Feb 18, 2012 1:54:47 GMT -5
Post by cjsilver on Feb 18, 2012 1:54:47 GMT -5
And why does that matter? What's the worst that could happen? So they yell at you. It's not like they're going to murder you (or at least I certainly hope not). It's your life, not theirs.
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Feb 18, 2012 1:59:36 GMT -5
Post by Procellum on Feb 18, 2012 1:59:36 GMT -5
My mom threatens to put me on medication if I act "depressed" around her, which almost seems to have become what she uses to define everything about me that she doesn't like.
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Feb 18, 2012 2:02:57 GMT -5
Post by cjsilver on Feb 18, 2012 2:02:57 GMT -5
Since when is medication a bad thing? I am on medication--which you've actually just reminded me to go take, thank you--and it's given me a noticeable improvement.
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BLUH
Feb 18, 2012 2:03:50 GMT -5
Post by Procellum on Feb 18, 2012 2:03:50 GMT -5
She says that the medication will make me less creative, also.
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Feb 18, 2012 2:13:43 GMT -5
Post by cjsilver on Feb 18, 2012 2:13:43 GMT -5
And is she a medical professional who is legally licensed to provide that information as a fact to you?
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Feb 18, 2012 2:16:15 GMT -5
Post by Procellum on Feb 18, 2012 2:16:15 GMT -5
True... she isn't. But she is on that medication, and it has had that effect on her.
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cjsilver
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Feb 18, 2012 2:19:33 GMT -5
Post by cjsilver on Feb 18, 2012 2:19:33 GMT -5
Well, a) there is no guarantee that a medical professional would, even with your mother's suggestion, put you on the same medication; and b) all medications affect people differently. With one of the ones I was put on, the doctor warned me that I may get excessively sleepy. I was fine at first, but then he decided to prescribe me a higher dose. And then I started taking it and couldn't sleep for two weeks straight--not even kidding--so he had to change it.
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Feb 18, 2012 2:20:30 GMT -5
Post by Procellum on Feb 18, 2012 2:20:30 GMT -5
Huh. Well, maybe I should just speak my mind.
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Feb 18, 2012 2:35:22 GMT -5
Post by cjsilver on Feb 18, 2012 2:35:22 GMT -5
There you go. That's the spirit. It makes you feel a lot more...free, for lack of a better term, when you realize that you can start thinking for yourself.
And now that I have posted far too much personal information about myself, I'm off to bed. If you want to talk again later, you can PM me.
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