phantom
POPPED CHERRY
[M:0:0:0:]
derpderp
Posts: 1
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Post by phantom on Jan 5, 2012 17:44:22 GMT -5
Full Name: Tammy White (called Phantom) Gender: Female Age: 11 (birthday July 23rd) Appearance: A slender but short girl about 4 ft 4 inches and weighed 79.2 lbs. She had short black hair that was half done up in a ponytail. She wore a white half jacket that had yellow patches on both sides and that’s edges of the sleeves had a thin line of pink that also had a white hood attached to it her nails were the same color of pink. She wore a red shirt under her jacket that zipped up. she had long dark blue pants with a brown belt that had a little red clip type of strap on it to keep her poke balls on she also wore red and white cordless headphones on. She has nice brown eyes. Background: she was born in the jotho region her mother was a young teen that had been married but then had me with a different one. Not knowing i was going to be born her husband devoced with her and the other guy didnt stay with her so then she traveled all the way to pallet town she was with a baby that bearly had anything on. So they took her from her. She was placed in a foster family and then later adopted by that family. She now has grown up and is a happy healthy girl. (thats my rl bio so if it still doesnt work i dont think i can rp here) Info: her favorite Pokémon is Suicune. (thats the best i can explain it her past is confusing)
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Post by Sp❣rit on Jan 5, 2012 18:50:36 GMT -5
[D]enied There is a lot going on with your character that simply can't be accepted. Firstly, start with her appearance: www.medindia.net/patients/calculators/height_weight_forchildren.aspHer height and weight is so off for an 11 year old, it isn't even right. Try to look into that. Gosh, this girl is way taller than I am. Normally I don't check that much into it, but that is pretty ridiculous. XD "walked into the lab to get her first Pokémon" Wat. You took this right out of an rp post, I can tell. "She had nice brown eyes. " Why past tense? Does she not have nice brown eyes anymore? :C are they hideous and growing mold? I think you should rewrite the appearance to just describe her generally, not like in an RP post for the moment. What does she usually wear? What is she comfortable wearing? What stands out about her when you look at her? Any vibes? Your background is very short, I hardly know anything about her. Where was she from? Why were all of these Pokemon injured? You also should work on capitalization, especially for names. Its verrrrry boring and short. I'm only seeing 'orphan with a big brother that isn't her real brother', and that isn't even really explained. Try to go more into that, and how it affects her today. A lot of her personality just seems to be emotions, not characteristics about a person. "Carlisle (only vampire she trusts) for examples." ok...you're going to have to explain this one. "She sometimes can be very depressed because of her past. She hates conflict yet knows she can’t avoid it. She never likes to be in crowds. She gets very scared/sad when thinking of her parents. She gets very scared when shes near a human hospital or a human lab." lmao what past? You gotta explain this somehow. Where is the connection? Anyways, sounds like you have a project to work on. I have some links that can give you a hand. www.gurusoftware.com/GuruNet/Personal/Factors.htmshamsgrog.blogspot.com/2011/03/100-npc-personality-types.htmlwww.hurva.org/Docs/campaign/characters/background.html[/blockquote]
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Post by Sp❣rit on Jan 5, 2012 19:34:20 GMT -5
Her past isn't just confusing, it doesn't make sense. At all. I don't think you're actually 21 if your character is like this, haha. A bit hard to believe.
Your character might be a mary sue, I'm afraid. Usually when characters have traumatic pasts, people use that to kind of cover up the fact that they have to develop their characters. That or it makes them more interesting than they really are.
www.springhole.net/writing/marysue.htm
Here's a good site to start, I can also suggest that you read through the other accepted characters to try and get an idea of what we're looking for. Keep trying! We're a semi literate site, but we want to have good characters around. <3
If this doesn't work, then you might want to click on our affiliates and try another site. Torrenta is a good one~!
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