Post by aislynn on Feb 5, 2009 9:52:40 GMT -5
How can someone stand living with an overprotective parent? I mean, I understand WHY she's overprotective (real father's... um... alcoholic, so when my mom left him when I was little, he stalked her), but I'm 17! I turn 18 this year, she needs to loosen that leash she binds me to.
I am always stressed for one reason or another. 10 1/2 hours of school is nothing -- I can handle that. Now, my bff calls me, talks to me, texts me... Whenever I get a free moment. That wouldn't bother me if he didn't talk about killing himself at each time. I could have had a stressful day of school, and at like 8:30 at night, he calls to rants.
Does he not know how fucked up that is? When stressed, and I dream, they're terrible dreams... Most current one was me tearing off the muscle on my mom's heart, so it wouldn't pump. But I remember in my dream realizing that it was THAT muscle and cried in my dream. And when I woke up I knew it was fake, the muscle was pork-choppy looking. (another dream was my kid sister coughing up blood and the doctor was all, 'It's asthma :D -dork-'... I swear to God I was in Alg 2 the next day thinking to myself, "Wtf! THAT'S NOT ASTHMA.")
But anyway... He's the main stress factor in my life. There was a paper I filled out for Suzi, stressors and how to handle them healthily and unhealthily. My mom saw Josh's name (he was at the house yesterday around 3pm), and cussed him out, yelled at him, told him to never come back to my house...
Afterward, she apparently slammed her bedroom door, and my stepdad talked to her, and then spoke to my sister, Danielle (I have 2 sisters, this one is 15. The one I had a nightmare about is 12), and asked, "How long has she [me] been cutting?"
"As far as I know only once, and it was when her and mom were arguing nonstop for those two weeks," Danni told him. Which was true. That WAS the only time I cut. That same night I cut (with a steak knife), I felt suicidal. I was worthless, I hadn't a reason to live, so WHY live, hm? I didn't do anything, scared shitless of the afterlife (or if we even have one).
But I also carve, which is different from cutting. Cuts last weeks. Carves last two, three days at most. My left arm is clearing up as we speak. The carving is so I stop pulling out my eyebrows. My right eyebrow looks terrible.. I do it without realizing it. Like, once I realize I do it, I try like hell to stop. So I started carving with a mechanical pencil to release stress. It helps, a lot.
That's what Trichotillomania is, pulling of the pubic hair, head hair, eye brows, or wherever else is darker hair upon your body. The symptoms sound like what I thought to be my personality: hiding hair in face to hide oneself, low self-esteem, can't communicate with others well... And the drug to help this disorder? THE HAPPY DRUG, PROZAC, yayyyyy (sarcastic fyi).
So last night after nightschool, Danni told me how she thought she was losing her big sister, since I know everything about her, yet she didn't know a thing about this -- except the cutting.
When she said this, I instantly asked, "Does Anna know?" (my kid sister)
"Cutting."
"Is that it? No suicidal?"
"No, just the cutting..."
"Good..." I don't want my kid sister knowing that. She ADORES me. I haven't a clue on how it would affect her... But it wouldn't be good.
I got home, stressing. My mom was in her room, Nick (my bf) wouldn't reply to a text so he was busy. I IMed Josh after a few minutes of being home, and then there was Ronnie. He's a dear friend of mine, I used to love him. I think those feelings are rekindling; if not that, I'm caring for him as a person and not a just a guy.
But he called me, and asked, "How are you?"
"Not good," I was afraid of talking too loud, I felt like I was about to choke out a sob.
"Everything will be fine... Stop slicing, too."
With that comment I looked to my left forearm, "Easier said than done, Ronnie."
"Just do it. Hug a pillow, tight. Think of something happy."
"I'll try..."
"And another thing, I want you to go see Suzi tomorrow." She's the SAP counselor.
"Don't worry, I was going to."
Later we talked again, until 12:30am. Gah, I just realized why I am so tired! But yeah. That's my life in the last 11 hours.
I am always stressed for one reason or another. 10 1/2 hours of school is nothing -- I can handle that. Now, my bff calls me, talks to me, texts me... Whenever I get a free moment. That wouldn't bother me if he didn't talk about killing himself at each time. I could have had a stressful day of school, and at like 8:30 at night, he calls to rants.
Does he not know how fucked up that is? When stressed, and I dream, they're terrible dreams... Most current one was me tearing off the muscle on my mom's heart, so it wouldn't pump. But I remember in my dream realizing that it was THAT muscle and cried in my dream. And when I woke up I knew it was fake, the muscle was pork-choppy looking. (another dream was my kid sister coughing up blood and the doctor was all, 'It's asthma :D -dork-'... I swear to God I was in Alg 2 the next day thinking to myself, "Wtf! THAT'S NOT ASTHMA.")
But anyway... He's the main stress factor in my life. There was a paper I filled out for Suzi, stressors and how to handle them healthily and unhealthily. My mom saw Josh's name (he was at the house yesterday around 3pm), and cussed him out, yelled at him, told him to never come back to my house...
Afterward, she apparently slammed her bedroom door, and my stepdad talked to her, and then spoke to my sister, Danielle (I have 2 sisters, this one is 15. The one I had a nightmare about is 12), and asked, "How long has she [me] been cutting?"
"As far as I know only once, and it was when her and mom were arguing nonstop for those two weeks," Danni told him. Which was true. That WAS the only time I cut. That same night I cut (with a steak knife), I felt suicidal. I was worthless, I hadn't a reason to live, so WHY live, hm? I didn't do anything, scared shitless of the afterlife (or if we even have one).
But I also carve, which is different from cutting. Cuts last weeks. Carves last two, three days at most. My left arm is clearing up as we speak. The carving is so I stop pulling out my eyebrows. My right eyebrow looks terrible.. I do it without realizing it. Like, once I realize I do it, I try like hell to stop. So I started carving with a mechanical pencil to release stress. It helps, a lot.
That's what Trichotillomania is, pulling of the pubic hair, head hair, eye brows, or wherever else is darker hair upon your body. The symptoms sound like what I thought to be my personality: hiding hair in face to hide oneself, low self-esteem, can't communicate with others well... And the drug to help this disorder? THE HAPPY DRUG, PROZAC, yayyyyy (sarcastic fyi).
So last night after nightschool, Danni told me how she thought she was losing her big sister, since I know everything about her, yet she didn't know a thing about this -- except the cutting.
When she said this, I instantly asked, "Does Anna know?" (my kid sister)
"Cutting."
"Is that it? No suicidal?"
"No, just the cutting..."
"Good..." I don't want my kid sister knowing that. She ADORES me. I haven't a clue on how it would affect her... But it wouldn't be good.
I got home, stressing. My mom was in her room, Nick (my bf) wouldn't reply to a text so he was busy. I IMed Josh after a few minutes of being home, and then there was Ronnie. He's a dear friend of mine, I used to love him. I think those feelings are rekindling; if not that, I'm caring for him as a person and not a just a guy.
But he called me, and asked, "How are you?"
"Not good," I was afraid of talking too loud, I felt like I was about to choke out a sob.
"Everything will be fine... Stop slicing, too."
With that comment I looked to my left forearm, "Easier said than done, Ronnie."
"Just do it. Hug a pillow, tight. Think of something happy."
"I'll try..."
"And another thing, I want you to go see Suzi tomorrow." She's the SAP counselor.
"Don't worry, I was going to."
Later we talked again, until 12:30am. Gah, I just realized why I am so tired! But yeah. That's my life in the last 11 hours.